fucking got punk'd, downtube shifter guy didn't even show up to tha ride. Boss was making fun of me last night about taking home pizza, said put it in the jersey pocket because it would taste good hammering up smith. so i did, he was sag climbing & when we caught him i pulled it out, all like "here ya go man". hilarious. anyways pizza tasted good, i had some riding and finished it at coffee, woodstock's always dependable for pizza, they roll the crust over so it's like a little pocket of num-nums at the end.
thinking of approaching them for sponsorship, Team Bacon and Raisins fueled by Woodstock's Pizza?
could work. all eating pizza on long road rides, chuggin a bigass newcastle and eating jalapenos on the podium. more to come.
today's sprint: 1152 watts (i weigh 175) what does this mean? i just don't know anymore, i might sell the p-tap wheel for some carbone clinchers.... damn that would just be the jizz bomb.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
DENIM UNITARD
night's events have degeneration'd because of orinigally starting at woodstock's pizza and beer's where my boss was, it was cool and we hung tuff. anyways OLD FOLKS had to ROLL, time for their depends change and a nap, YUNG BUKS had to keep ragin with 25 O-Z beers. continues to 999 bottles, which is totally a mexican soccer bar now, cool? cool. chicks r in pushups and clouchy boots WHAT is it 2003> and they are in backless denim unitard, dude who is with us is with his financee, he can't even look at the back of this chick to know what we are talkign about.
tomorrow we crush him because he rolls downtub shitters: on thee steepest part of smith grade, we take a leafe from the pages of the book of vittorians, chapter 53 verse 11, the testimony of the Q kleimanites: we reach over and shift him down into sprinting gerez:
smith grade won't stand no 13 tooth, no it won't
reckoning is coming
tomorrow we crush him because he rolls downtub shitters: on thee steepest part of smith grade, we take a leafe from the pages of the book of vittorians, chapter 53 verse 11, the testimony of the Q kleimanites: we reach over and shift him down into sprinting gerez:
smith grade won't stand no 13 tooth, no it won't
reckoning is coming
Thursday, January 29, 2009
quick drunken post
holy god i gotta make this quick
because, I set up my computer to automatically turn off at 10:15 every night so i wouldn't oversleep for training rides in the morning, what was i thinking
Anyways, the wednesday night ride has left me inebriated, but i need to get some quick notes out to the B&R rebel army:
two separate people have sent me this link, so it must warrant your attention:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/dining/28bacon.html?_r=1&em
is this the training diet of future champions? As a perennial next-year's champion, I say YES with a loud voice (my only voice when drinking).
anywho the date has been set for the first race of the year: THE CHERRY PIE CRIT ( it just sounds filthy, just play that zappa song "catholic girls" when you think of it) which is the weekend after next which is FEBVRUARY 6-7-8-9-10 (not sure right now, updates to follow)
now offf to sleep before the girlfriend finishes brushing her teeth!!!!!!!
10:12 I am so fucking good
because, I set up my computer to automatically turn off at 10:15 every night so i wouldn't oversleep for training rides in the morning, what was i thinking
Anyways, the wednesday night ride has left me inebriated, but i need to get some quick notes out to the B&R rebel army:
two separate people have sent me this link, so it must warrant your attention:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/dining/28bacon.html?_r=1&em
is this the training diet of future champions? As a perennial next-year's champion, I say YES with a loud voice (my only voice when drinking).
anywho the date has been set for the first race of the year: THE CHERRY PIE CRIT ( it just sounds filthy, just play that zappa song "catholic girls" when you think of it) which is the weekend after next which is FEBVRUARY 6-7-8-9-10 (not sure right now, updates to follow)
now offf to sleep before the girlfriend finishes brushing her teeth!!!!!!!
10:12 I am so fucking good
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Damn kids!
Well, I guess it's time to break out my black-and-yellow Livestrong branded cyanide capsules and do all of my unfortunate readers a huge favor, because there are finally kids' bikes which are supposedly more fashionable than my pridenjoy racer:
scope it.
I can think of two kids that rate this kind of nonsense, and hopefully they have been raised better than to ride overpriced trash when regularly priced trash will do just fine. On the other hand, one of them gave me the enduring-but-not-endearing nickname of "Rockface," so maybe their sense of spite for me will outweigh their sensible upbringing.
What does the True School say? As long as you win on it...
scope it.
I can think of two kids that rate this kind of nonsense, and hopefully they have been raised better than to ride overpriced trash when regularly priced trash will do just fine. On the other hand, one of them gave me the enduring-but-not-endearing nickname of "Rockface," so maybe their sense of spite for me will outweigh their sensible upbringing.
What does the True School say? As long as you win on it...
Is it time to race already?
Fuuuuuuck, no!
Being a bike racer is all about masochism, and that's why so many of my long-term readers are such excellent bike racers: they can stand this shit for nigh on two years, a sixty-minute crit ain't so bad by comparison. In any case, those long-term readers will recognize that now's about the time to start thinking of excuses for poor performance, because of course we didn't do any "serious" "training" over the winter, now did we? (If you did, get lost.)
The first step in dealing with a poor race performance is to avoid racing in the first place. If you don't play, you can't lose. So, in that spirit, Team B & R will be skipping the first road race (or RR, pronounced "rrrr" like a car revving the engine) of the season, the self-styled "early bird rr". Not like they're so early at all, I've been diligently skipping cross races for months now. In any case the Team will be skipping this one, for two reasons:
it's a little too early - registration at 8am after a 2-hour drive; and
it's way the fuck too early, 8am is still last night on my clock.
Jesus squeeze us, I might actually be stoopid enough to race it anyways. You know how it is-- it's the podunkest thing in the world, and there's no prize money and you're probably gonna break your neck when some fucking fred with a handlebar mirror slides under you in the last corner-- but it's a race, dammit, and you're a racer, and if you did shit because it made sense you would sleep in on Sundays and wear less spandex. We'll see how this one plays out.
So now that we are off to a raring start with nonracing, I'd like to offer some timeless wisdom from one of the true sages of bike racing, Eddie B. This is taken from his masterpiece "Bicycle Road Racing," published in 1984 but still incredibly pertinent and perky as a silicone boob. Eddie sez, among thousands of words about eating horse meat and how you only need a helmet if you're left-handed, "Shorts are not the place to economize."
Never a truer word was spoken. Coming up in the next installment of excrement that is the Bacon and Raisins Semi-Recurring Blogular, more wisdom from the Godfather of Polish cycling coaches, possibly involving horsemeat. Unless I lose interest.
Being a bike racer is all about masochism, and that's why so many of my long-term readers are such excellent bike racers: they can stand this shit for nigh on two years, a sixty-minute crit ain't so bad by comparison. In any case, those long-term readers will recognize that now's about the time to start thinking of excuses for poor performance, because of course we didn't do any "serious" "training" over the winter, now did we? (If you did, get lost.)
The first step in dealing with a poor race performance is to avoid racing in the first place. If you don't play, you can't lose. So, in that spirit, Team B & R will be skipping the first road race (or RR, pronounced "rrrr" like a car revving the engine) of the season, the self-styled "early bird rr". Not like they're so early at all, I've been diligently skipping cross races for months now. In any case the Team will be skipping this one, for two reasons:
it's a little too early - registration at 8am after a 2-hour drive; and
it's way the fuck too early, 8am is still last night on my clock.
Jesus squeeze us, I might actually be stoopid enough to race it anyways. You know how it is-- it's the podunkest thing in the world, and there's no prize money and you're probably gonna break your neck when some fucking fred with a handlebar mirror slides under you in the last corner-- but it's a race, dammit, and you're a racer, and if you did shit because it made sense you would sleep in on Sundays and wear less spandex. We'll see how this one plays out.
So now that we are off to a raring start with nonracing, I'd like to offer some timeless wisdom from one of the true sages of bike racing, Eddie B. This is taken from his masterpiece "Bicycle Road Racing," published in 1984 but still incredibly pertinent and perky as a silicone boob. Eddie sez, among thousands of words about eating horse meat and how you only need a helmet if you're left-handed, "Shorts are not the place to economize."
Never a truer word was spoken. Coming up in the next installment of excrement that is the Bacon and Raisins Semi-Recurring Blogular, more wisdom from the Godfather of Polish cycling coaches, possibly involving horsemeat. Unless I lose interest.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Epic Fail!
Team Bacon and Raisins got pwned today when a low-intensity cyclocross ride took a literal turn for the worse. It so happens that some turns up at the U will take you down beautiful buff bermed trails that make you wonder how anyone finds time to do anything but ride; others will take you down twisty little bullshit rock skitters that basically look like a whale sat at the top of the mountain and shat gravel for a thousand years. Also the dirty dirty dirt jumpers build hell of ramps everywhere, which require clambering over, once resulting in a quick slide punctuated by a pedal jamming into my kidney as I crashed in a pile of moist mulch. Thank God nobody who could actually ride was out there, they would have blown by us so fast that they'd barely have time to call us douches.
Also I broke a spoke, and Spokesman replaced it with a straight gauge spoke even though the wheel was built with double butted. You chumps, what the fuck was that about? I wish I had broken it doing something bad-ass, but as it is it's hard to gripe at the mechanic when you broke your shit falling off your bike.
That and every time I go into Strokesman, I have to be all super humble because there's usually two or three people spending more than a grand on something like shoes while I'm there, and you can't stamp your foot and demand that Father buy you a pony when you've only got like forty bucks on you.
Whatever, base 3 is over, fuck that shit.
Also I broke a spoke, and Spokesman replaced it with a straight gauge spoke even though the wheel was built with double butted. You chumps, what the fuck was that about? I wish I had broken it doing something bad-ass, but as it is it's hard to gripe at the mechanic when you broke your shit falling off your bike.
That and every time I go into Strokesman, I have to be all super humble because there's usually two or three people spending more than a grand on something like shoes while I'm there, and you can't stamp your foot and demand that Father buy you a pony when you've only got like forty bucks on you.
Whatever, base 3 is over, fuck that shit.
Monday, January 12, 2009
back in the saddle
Fuck Lance, the Team Bacon and Raisins comeback is official. I actually went out and flogged my hog around the minor mountains of God's Green Acres, CA this morning, at 5:45 am no less. Workin' that 9am office job's a bitch but I can't support my fried meat habit with bike shop scrilla. Anyways I am heeding the advice of a great sage, and going "back to basics." Does that mean I'm going to develop an aerobic base for later, more intense training? NO, you mouthbreather, I'm gonna drop hella dough on a sick fixie, and get a fly yellow aerospoke on that bitch. One is all you need, RILYUSEF (Ride It Like Y.U.S.E.F., my ironic Nation of Islam themed fixed posse).
Sunday, January 11, 2009
knickerland
So we are in the deep and grim heart of winter here in CA, which means that it's about 65 degrees. It's great, except that it only gets about ten degrees warmer in the summer. I think I've been wearing knee warmers continuously for about five months now. I always thought knickers were a novelty item, but I am lost in knickerland. if it ain't knickers, it's worthless.
breakfast
In keeping with subjects starting with "b", I'm skipping a four hour endurance ride to go get some num-nums from one of our fair city's fine breakfast establishments. I think it was Joe Friel who said, "Aerobic power is important, but not as important as three slices of bacon and a blueberry muffin."
have to look that one up for you.
have to look that one up for you.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
baldness
Also just wanted to get a quick bit in here that I meant to jam in with the kickball notes:
I'm going bald, don't think you called it before I did. Only three people called my baldingness before I did: my brother, my girlfriend, and a dude I knew in high school named Jason Osterbind (or something similar.) So don't pretend you knew, it's in writing here. Anyways five-heads are the new hot thing, Chris Carmichael has one.
I'm going bald, don't think you called it before I did. Only three people called my baldingness before I did: my brother, my girlfriend, and a dude I knew in high school named Jason Osterbind (or something similar.) So don't pretend you knew, it's in writing here. Anyways five-heads are the new hot thing, Chris Carmichael has one.
balls
Just want to get some ideas down in writing here... I'm maybe thinking that cycling isn't my scene. I'm just too down with heavy desserts and cheese dishes. So I might end up directing my laser-like training focus on a new passion: elite kickball. I'm not sure how this is going to play out, but it might be time to start hitting the gym, doing some mad single-leg squats to build up that kicking power. Also I'm gonna need to sell my bikes, buy a tricked out beach cruiser and some yeller cleats.
On the other hand, I did just spend four months getting up a hour before daylight to ride my bike, maybe I should stick with it. I guess that means I need to trim the face fur, it's getting out of hand.
Could this be me in a year?
On the other hand, I did just spend four months getting up a hour before daylight to ride my bike, maybe I should stick with it. I guess that means I need to trim the face fur, it's getting out of hand.
Could this be me in a year?
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